I picked up my pace as I walked down the crowded streets of Manhattan. I was careful to keep my Yankees cap low to seal my identity; I wouldn’t want my father recognizing me. The cold wind blew back my dirty blonde hair and I struggled to stay warm only having a white, short sleeve polo shirt on. I stopped to tuck my short black Uggs into my black skinny jeans and a boy, who looked to be twelve tripped over my bag. I recognized him immediately so I ran as fast as I could away from him. I had to hold on to my big tan tote as tight as possible to keep from losing everything I owned.
I felt someone tap me on the shoulder so I quit being stubborn and turned around. A tall fat man in a business suit smiled at me holding out a business card. “Uh thanks…” I took it careful to keep my Yankees hat from revealing who I was.
“Brown eyes, dirty blonde hair, tanned skin; you’re Abby Raider!” he smiled.
I gave him a long stare and ran for the hills. Maybe my father had gotten really, fat and was trying to find me; maybe that was my father. Maybe he knew that I was back from Rome after four years… I jumped over a few boys’ skateboards and they turned to stop me. This cannot be happening… I should have never left; everyone was recognizing me.
Once again, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I hesitated to turn and face the man I feared. “How do you know my name?” I asked.
“You’re an actress!” he smiled.
“X-actress,” I corrected. “I’m going to return to writing,” I explained.
He nodded and handed me another business card. “I already got one,” I whispered. He shrugged and walked off.
THANKS! ur boosting my confidence.! 
if u want a copy of the story when im done just email me!
i no (about the emphasis on the clothes) its a bad habit i have
about the sealing identity thing and the describing wht she looks like…
the identity thing WILL make sense later i promise
and the describing wht she looks like is his way of matching her up to the girl he saw in the movies. thnx!
thanks everyone! i will continue to post more im always eager to hear suggestions
ok CONCEAL. silly me thanks
sorry. i no i say I too much. another bad habbit. any ALTERNATIVES?
I pulled the piece of not paper out of my pocket and read the address. “Burmont Building penthouse,” I whispered. I bumped into a boy as I headed down the crowded streets. Flocks of angry gray pigeons lifted off the ground in my path. I squealed and realized that was another giveaway. Try, not to let anyone know you’re here Abby. There was a lump growing in my throat. “Do you know where the Burmont building is?” I asked.
4 the last comment… its a long story, itll take some time to explain. i had up a summary and the reason its some one she knows… ill just tell U ITS HER LITTLE BROTHER! she ran away to rome for 4 years when she was twelve. if ur really concerned ill email u a summary! anyone interested in reading more ill post it on quizilla. my username is alamimi11
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Wow, that’s a pretty great start! I love the part about the Uggs! Keep writing!
You have a really good start here. Defintely continue writing it!
Yes, but a few criticisms:
What does “seal my identity” mean? Maybe i’m wrong, but i’ve never heard this expression and i don’t think it means the same thing as hiding your identity.
When the man speaks to her and says; “Brown eyes, dirty blonde hair, tanned skin” It seems a bit unrealistic that he would actually say that aloud. Most people wouldn’t describe to someone else how they look.
I think you’re putting a bit too much emphasis on describing her clothes. Obviously its important to build up a picture but I don’t think you need to mention that much in the very firts part of the story.
I wasn’t trying to be harsh, i hope i helped! But yes, I think it sounds like a good way to start a story, good luck with it!
I would read it =]
Pretty good. Not the best. I would edit it, then continue to write it.
Hope this helps!!!¡¡!0!!!!!!
I’m assuming you want to ‘conceal’ your identity, not ‘seal’ it. Honestly, it’s confusing and failed to draw me in. Remember, the reader doesn’t know what you know in your head, so you must be sure to fully explain things so we get the picture. This is a tightrope walk, however, as useless information can bog down a story as well (short black Uggs into black skinny jeans). Good luck.
OMG THIS IS FANTASTIC!
I think “seal my identity” is an amazing sentence.
few critesism:
I am an author myself ( im 13 ) and i must tell u somethings,
1. describe more where you are. ex ( cenrtal park, Crowds of grey pigions lifted off the ground as I ran through the beggining of what i thought would be me, getting discovered.) You could take that if you want.
thats pretty much it keep up the good work
It’s decent you need more imagery and a better hook. Sorry, but I probably wouldn’t read it. You say I way to much. (26+ times) Emphasize the emotion and weather more than the clothing. Good Luck!
It doesn’t make much sense, I’m afraid.
If she recognises the boy, why does she say he “looks to be about twelve” – surely she knows how old he is? In any case, how likely is it that she’d fall over someone she knows?
Thousands of people have brown eyes, blonde hair and are tanned. If she wants to not be recognised why doesn’t she just tie her hair back? Cheap hair dye? If she’s an actress she should know a few tricks to changing her appearance.
If she’s cold and is carrying everything she owns why doesn’t she just put a coat on?
I don’t think this is a good start, to be honest. It’s not really a hook making me want to read what comes next, it more makes me feel like something should have come before.